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Post by Danger Wasp on Nov 15, 2012 6:10:51 GMT -6
This idea sounds much better and much more interesting for a machinima. It also opens a lot of room for character development and very unique scenes(As long as you have good pacing and don't dive straight into the Unholy Presence bits). Honestly though, "A piece of an ancient, unholy temple that was originally on the asteroid" and "the soldier and his team try to find out what this rock actually is. But they also did not realize that there is an unholy entity in their presence". It sounds really cheesy, displaying this machinima would need Grade A directing, editing, and writing to mask the corniness. There's been way too many stories that involve discovering a hidden area with a artifact and some kind of antagonist stalking the adventurers. In the end though, I think this draft is a good start. You should keep writing for it and modify the base story to be a bit more original. hey! this is the brainstorming thread after all, there is plenty of time to make improvements  as for the Unholy entity in their presence stuff. You're right it sounds cheesy and difficult to pull it off in Halo 4. The rock should stay there though, but instead of it causing an unholy entity to be present, It'll give those who come in contact with it very confusing and horrible visions that lead to some extreme actions and serious consequences. The main character will be an on-duty soldier keeping guard of the base, there will be a team of soldiers who rely on the Mantis mecha (kind of like the robotic suit the starship troopers used in the books). more ideas will come  |
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Post by KP Spark on Nov 15, 2012 17:23:20 GMT -6
Okay, while this story is better, it still needs improvement.
The whole rock thing is pretty overdone. Like the monolith from 2001, the Marker from Dead Space, The beacon from Mass Effect. Yawn. Going for the whole metaphysical visions and psychological horror thing usually backfires horribly on the inexperienced, I do NOT reccommend going for that idea. Also, play up the mystery. Perhaps its part of ancient alien technology, awakened after years of dormancy. Maybe its life beyond our recognition colliding with our biology. Or both. Maybe ancient aliens are trying to use us as hosts to refurnish their world? Or maybe they're the victims in some way, our tampering has disturbed their way of life. There's numerous possiblities, and even if it isn't revealed, knowing the answer helps.
Soldier main character? Also, yawn. Way too common. What if its not even a military base? What if its a power station or a salvaging crew? Its more interesting to see blue-collared people dealing with the supernatural, than scientists or military. The less the audience knows about the threat, the more they are immersed with the characters and their confusing and dangerous situation. Perspective is important, especially in horror. Think Alien or The Thing.
There's potential, but as it stands, its pretty cliche. This will need serious development.
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Post by Danger Wasp on Nov 15, 2012 19:45:45 GMT -6
I thought what you mentioned was considered cheesy by someone? I'll keep thinking
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Post by KP Spark on Nov 15, 2012 20:02:01 GMT -6
I'm not saying start from scratch, I'm saying develop what you've got.
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Post by Danger Wasp on Nov 15, 2012 20:58:57 GMT -6
I'm not saying start from scratch, I'm saying develop what you've got. I know. Hey! after mentioning something involving civilians, I got a cool new idea. keeping the setting on the asteroid still, keeping some factors of mystery, changing everything else... |
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Post by Danger Wasp on Nov 18, 2012 16:46:47 GMT -6
UPDATE [11/18/12] added links for you to see Jame's space suits. Feedback on the idea or the armor is appreciated |
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Post by KP Spark on Nov 18, 2012 22:06:32 GMT -6
Looks cool. But armor doesn't count for anything unless you have a strong character to go with it.
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Post by Danger Wasp on Nov 18, 2012 22:36:41 GMT -6
Looks cool. But armor doesn't count for anything unless you have a strong character to go with it. I know, after finishing the character backstory, personality, and development plan. The armor will reflect upon his personality I will also make some slight adjustments to the story |
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Post by Danger Wasp on Nov 21, 2012 15:43:38 GMT -6
[update 11/21/12] added bios of the characters and a short idea of what the story is.
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Post by 808highdef on Nov 21, 2012 15:51:27 GMT -6
actually, when reading this, I expected the flood to be mentioned. It sounds cool though. Let me know how I can help
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Post by KP Spark on Nov 21, 2012 20:55:39 GMT -6
200 might be too much, when you think 200 years, you assume technology is way batshit advanced. If you think lower like 150 or even 100, you at least assume that its only moderately advanced. Since this is supposed to be an industrial and rugged future, I'd say lower it a decade or two.
Nice, go on.
Okay the whole daughter thing is making me nervous. Fight for oxygen sounds like it could be interesting. Mysterious deaths? Hm, we'll see how that plays out. Mankind being unwanted, I'm gonna need a better context to judge that, are we unwelcome? Are we hurting the space environment? Are we disturbing some cosmic force in some way? Or are the aliens just being territorial dicks.
He sounds like he could be likable, his daughter though sounds terrible already. Space city gone wrong? Sounds like somebody's played Bioshock (not a bad thing at all).
Okay, I hate her already. She sounds annoying and unsympathetic, unless you make her likeable I'm going to be sitting there thinking "just die already". And even if she is sympathetic, the damsel in distress plot device is terrible. What it is is essentially making the woman the macguffin that the character has to find before x amount of time. Why not make the plot James's struggle for survival and escape amidst all this chaos, it will be equally compelling without the daughter is trapped plot. James could still be a father working on an asteroid with a daughter back on Earth he's trying to provide for which would give his character GREAT context. But as it stands, its terrible. I cannot urge you enough to change this. Please, for the love of god, DON'T DO THIS.
Oh good, you're subverting the greedy bosses are evil trophe and making him a good guy. Nice.
I doubt anybody would sit down at a conference and say "those things that've been killing us, we're calling 'em the Inuise", generally military types don't confuse people with nicknames, especially not obscure ones, they'd just refer to them as "the hostiles". The blue-collared workers on the other hand, would probably have their own lingo like "lurks" or "phantoms", or simply "the unseen".
Just fix up these problems and you should be all set.
P.S. There's a short story you should check out called The Asteroid of Fear. Its pretty bad, but it has some interesting ideas you could borrow for your story.
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Post by Danger Wasp on Nov 21, 2012 23:34:06 GMT -6
200 might be too much, when you think 200 years, you assume technology is way batshit advanced. If you think lower like 150 or even 100, you at least assume that its only moderately advanced. Since this is supposed to be an industrial and rugged future, I'd say lower it a decade or two. Nice, go on. Okay the whole daughter thing is making me nervous. Fight for oxygen sounds like it could be interesting. Mysterious deaths? Hm, we'll see how that plays out. Mankind being unwanted, I'm gonna need a better context to judge that, are we unwelcome? Are we hurting the space environment? Are we disturbing some cosmic force in some way? Or are the aliens just being territorial dicks. He sounds like he could be likable, his daughter though sounds terrible already. Space city gone wrong? Sounds like somebody's played Bioshock (not a bad thing at all). Okay, I hate her already. She sounds annoying and unsympathetic, unless you make her likeable I'm going to be sitting there thinking "just die already". And even if she is sympathetic, the damsel in distress plot device is terrible. What it is is essentially making the woman the macguffin that the character has to find before x amount of time. Why not make the plot James's struggle for survival and escape amidst all this chaos, it will be equally compelling without the daughter is trapped plot. James could still be a father working on an asteroid with a daughter back on Earth he's trying to provide for which would give his character GREAT context. But as it stands, its terrible. I cannot urge you enough to change this. Please, for the love of god, DON'T DO THIS. Oh good, you're subverting the greedy bosses are evil trophe and making him a good guy. Nice. I doubt anybody would sit down at a conference and say "those things that've been killing us, we're calling 'em the Inuise", generally military types don't confuse people with nicknames, especially not obscure ones, they'd just refer to them as "the hostiles". The blue-collared workers on the other hand, would probably have their own lingo like "lurks" or "phantoms", or simply "the unseen". Just fix up these problems and you should be all set. P.S. There's a short story you should check out called The Asteroid of Fear. Its pretty bad, but it has some interesting ideas you could borrow for your story. Thanks for the advice. I'll be sure to check out "asteroid of fear". also, I never played Bioshock (sorry :I )so I never knew the story would be slightly reminiscent. I thought addding the daughter thing would help with the character development for James, but as I read it I made her sound like those teens that everyone would hate. (might want to fix that, or scrap it) |
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Post by KP Spark on Nov 22, 2012 22:26:49 GMT -6
Also, how did you make those images? Is there a Halo 4 player model generator out there?
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Post by Danger Wasp on Nov 23, 2012 9:21:35 GMT -6
Also, how did you make those images? Is there a Halo 4 player model generator out there? No there isn't. I simply went to halo.xbox.com, sighned into my live account and saved the image of the spartan that appears in my career tab. |
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mjo96
New Member
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Post by mjo96 on Dec 12, 2012 23:29:02 GMT -6
Now, Im not an english freak, nor am I overtly creative (unfortunately), but this seems like a decent start, and with the right writing, it could probably be really great! some parts of it still seem a bit cliche, but every machinima has got to start somewhere right?
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